Don't Speak As Loud As My Heart.

2009-11-30T23:24:00.002+08:00

danial says i still care about him since i posted about him from the previous post.
but boy, ure so wrong. i am so gonna pack up and move. grrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!

2009-11-14T22:41:00.002+08:00

i could die from eating non stop ever since i open my eyes this morning.
its not excuses but this is one of the reason why i don't like staying home whole day.
this is frustrating! really!

2009-11-10T21:55:00.002+08:00

this is gonna be the dead november for me this year. dead. i repeat. dead. two model store to attend. stock taking at three different outlet which means many days of waking up @ six in the morning. i barely had my beauty sleep these days. my eyebag make me look like one old woman who have just lost her husband or something. korean drama got me fucking addicted that i end up sleeping almost five in the morning and just couple of days ago i weight myself and lost eight kilograms . of course baby and i couldn't believe it. she herself lost alot and keep on saying that there must be something wrong with the machine but olin<3>

i been seeing around and wondering why is "i love you" these words are so cheap these days. i been asking myself, how the hell can these people say it out easily to someone they just got to know? can teach me how anot? and how am i supposed to react/reply when it was clearly said straight to my face? maaf kan sayer yer dan. but these people should not STMF so often. i feel sick sometimes.*gelengkepale*

lately i think i work to hard that sometimes i can even think of what i should do, should settle for at work the next day before closing my eyes to sleep. ahaha. the monsters are pressuring meeeeeee.

2009-11-07T00:11:00.002+08:00

Being happy doesn't mean everythings perfect,
it means that you decided to look beyond the imperfections.

2009-10-27T23:47:00.004+08:00

Saat aku tertawa diatas semua
saat aku menangisi kesedihanku

aku ingin engkau selalu ada
aku ingin engkau aku kenang

Selama aku masih bisa bernafas
Masih sanggup berjalan ku akan selalu memujamu
meski ku tak tahu lagi engkau ada dimana

Dengarkanlah aku merindukanmu

Saat aku mencoba merubah segalanya
Saat aku meratapi kekalahanku

Aku ingin engkau selalu ada
Aku ingin engkau aku kenang

2009-10-26T00:10:00.002+08:00

You probably know me for thousands of years already. But that doesn't mean that you understand me and that doesn't mean you know me that well. i might be the girl who loves attention. but that doesn't mean i give myself to people around anyhow.

2009-10-23T15:45:00.003+08:00

See, the only outlet who gets the award for the 1st,2nd & 3rd in-charge. hehe. well, i think we deserve it after all the shits we been through. i gotta say there's thousands of people and of course i was shaking while walking on the stage to take the award but lucky i didn't tumble and fall sey cause the pumps that im wearing doesnt belong to me and it's big and i got no choice but to borrow ana. many pictures more to come but this is the only visual i could put up here and the only one that i got cause i sucks lah for not bringing my own camera. shitsss.
and so how do i look? like a clown or something? haha. tell me about it lah blue stockings with black long top plus with a belt. ahaha ey but among all the other companys i think our's got the best uniform lah sey. feeewit. and how the boys there gatal gatal here and there. but i think young boys are silly but adorable. :P
and i am very sad when people around me keep on saying that i look tired and dehydration and which kak hera quickly asked me to get some sweet drinks before i fainted when i feel so fine lah. i have been eating just fruits, juices and VEGETABLES. yes aku da pandai ehk nak makan sayur sayuran. just taugeh i don't know why i just can't put em into my mouth. ahha. weird.

and yes people, this is my fav for now. :P

2009-10-18T10:49:00.003+08:00

Have you ever wanted to talk but never really dared?
or missed that opportunity to tell them what you been wanting to say?
pretended that it doesnt hurt, and said that it's ok?
pretended that ure way too strong to let is past by u and let go of everything?
and spent each day wishing it'd all just go away?
acted how you're "supposed to"
so no one knew you cried .

And never let them see how you really felt inside?
forgive me, baby.

2009-10-18T01:04:00.003+08:00

Because it's hard to wait around for something that you know might not happen but it's even harder to give up, when you know it's everything you ever wanted.

i can't afford myself to be like this anymore.

2009-10-17T02:28:00.002+08:00

life is about trusting our feelings and taking chances,
losing and finding happiness,
appreciating the memories and learning from the past.

2009-10-15T14:34:00.002+08:00

tell me what is it i'm reaching for?
when we're through building memories i'll hold yesterday in my heart.
in my heart.

they can take tomorrow and the plans we made
they can take the music that we never play
all the broken dreams take everything
just take it away, they can never have yesterday

i thought our days would last forever
but it wasn't our destiny
cause in my mind we have so much time, but i was so wrong
no i can believe that
i can still find the strength in the moments we made
i'm looking back on yesterday

all the broken dreams take everything
but they can never have yesterday.

2009-10-14T23:13:00.002+08:00

all the waves of blame arrange as broken scenery
as they steal your best memories away
what if i was someone different in your only history?
would you feel the same
as i walk out the door
never to see your face again?

2009-10-11T15:36:00.003+08:00

before you, my life was like a moonless night.
very dark, but there were stars- points of lights and reasons.
and then you shot across like a meteor.
suddenly everything was on fire. there were brilliance.there were beauty.
when you were gone when the meteor had to fallen over the horizon, everything went black.
nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light.
i couldnt see the stars anymore.
and there was no reason for anything.

have you ever think that i'm a being that have feelings too?

2009-10-08T15:15:00.002+08:00

and i'm out from the place that i would never want to be in again. one more surgery to go. and hopefuly this last one would be the last. cause i can't stand anymore pain. and whats more worrying about money. money can make me go crazy and how im worried till my head aches like hell. and how troublesome it is to keep on taking medicine every 6 hourly. so leceh nak mampos. tired of taking these medicine and when i skip em i'll be in pain so no choice but to keep on taking em. whats more when ill be busy working talking to customer and how it hurts like hell and taking like one idiot like dat. ahaha. so funny but what to do. i hope it wont be cancerous like what the doctor says. five percent of it, it is. scary isn't it? but so far so good. i can't be too confident cause Tuhan itu maha kaya. and he can change ur life in just split seconds . so now somehow somwhr ther i learned how frens come and go and how they stay by urside no matter what youre going tro. the good or the bad. and how you know who cares and who doesnt and how i do matter to em. bravo bravo people. heh.

thankies to my parents who been understanding of what im going tro now and also to my dearest sister syerah been waking up early for each sessions of my surgery and mingming for sacrificing her off days and skipping her class just to be there with me and also my baby tiara for being there sacrificing her beauty sleep after her shift . hehehe. and to e people who also never stop asking how am i doing. by asking is already a great tot of you people.akak tak lah sakit sangat kan. tapi thankies ehk. thankies tau.
i is a love you all. :)

2009-10-07T22:03:00.002+08:00

not going tro a good times now. i been worried for alot of things lately and am feeling so miserable now and hopefully it's not forever. please please let it be temporary. sometimes i feel like im cheating and lying to myself acting that's everything is fine and being happy and being that cheerful woman everyday. but at the end of the day, i feel like jumping out of the window. hidop takde makne siol. but i know god is testing me and i know i must go tro all these. i must and i have to no matter wad. and i think God has answered my prayer. and i know i got to scarifies wod i have promise him.

i don't know if whatever that have said by you was real.

2009-09-26T23:33:00.003+08:00

Saat terindah
saat bersamamu
bergitu lelapnya aku pun terbuai
sebernanya aku telah berharap
ku kan memiliki dirimu selamanya.

and at this moment i don't even give a damn to anything of what people might be thinking or say. this is my space please do let me say out whatever i want okay? and how i miss this person so much. so bad.each of my everyday missing every bit of him. don't care what he have done don't care what he have said or think of me. i don't know why things are so hard on me. i'm sorry for putting so much hopes but somehow now i understand that it takes two hands to clap. i'm ashamed of myself for wanting the one that not wanting myself. it's okay if you don't care. but still, each of my everyday i have never fails to think of you. and the only think that keep me going is to think of our happy happy days and that has always put a smile on me.

imiss how you kold and shout "aniasahayyooo yo yo yo"
imiss how we chat everyday at night msn-ing and how u always promt me once i signed in and how i always smile from ear to ear.
imiss that ringtone beep whenever you kold/text me.
imiss seeing that smile of yours.
imiss you surprise me by dropping by my shop after your work.
imiss going karaok-ing with you.
imiss singing with you and by adding wrong lyrics to it and how you always marah and how i keep on following every song that you sang.
imiss how we challenge to grab the hand or legs and tickle and laugh and laugh and begging to stop tickling. heh
imiss cooking with you.
imiss how you always tease me and make me laugh like nobody bisness.
imiss that five "muek-muek"
imiss going to mustafa centre just you and me. :)
ahhh. can i just say that i miss the whole of you?
okay ni part aku mcm nak cry.

cin, you jage diri baek baek kay.

2009-09-26T00:47:00.002+08:00

down with high fever. non stop hit flu. and terrible sore throat.
my lumps just got bigger and now my lips just got bigger due to the lumps everything got swollen ah!

so now im like in a critical condition pe. seven pills to be taken every six hours. mcm S.

and abeh kalau aku rindu pak tam mcm mane? *faints*

2009-09-22T23:06:00.002+08:00

selamat Hari raya people. hows raya ? great? i didnt really look forward to it like seriously. but when meeting up the loveleh cuzzy they somehow make me stupid day better . :) surprisingly i get some money from the makcik that loves me. heh and nyayi gave me also like twice ah. best kan. and im like so broke this end month which i end up not giving any money to the kids. such a shame. we didn't take loads of shots probably we're just busy dozzing off each house we go. this time everybody like too tired to to even take pictures unlike the previous years so active from the morning till end day sey. haiyah. i feel so shagged these days and dun forget to a big hi to my double chin. cause i feel sorry to myself for eating everything thats on the table and every house we went. i been eating non stop hit seeeeh.

latest, i got lumps growing on my gums and under my ear which it's connected to veins and half of my face is feeling so fucking numb. sgh been calling and i still got no time to speak to the doctor. what say you? actually i'm just running away from the true facts. excuse me for being so timid. cause if only u people were in my shoes knowing that having cancer is just a normal thing then i'll salute you for sure.

one by one. and i don't know what's next. and probably from here i'll get to see whos gonna be by myside whos gonna be here to make me strong and encourage me and so and sooooo. heh.

few people who i specially kept in heart and i can see whos here with me and who dun even bother.

anyways, good luck to me. i think this part, i can't be independent anymore. i thought i'm strong enough but i have prove myself wrong. such a disappointed. such a useless daughter.

excuse me i need to eat now. im like so fucking hungry.bye.

2009-09-19T00:47:00.002+08:00

it's not about being too late or it's already too late. it's just the matter of the hearts. it's just the matter if you do still want it or not.

i seriously thinks there's just so many mis-understanding between us. like the communication. like you need to know the the truth. but u just don't wanna asked and assume it. it sucks.

i dun knw how long you gonna treat me this way. cause i need every single reasons of why we are being this way. i seriously thinks it's kinda merepek of us. i seriously missed the times we had okay. haizzzzzzzzzz!!!!!

and guess wod? imma join Noona for the slimming event trail for six freaking months after raya. so hows that? and how how i got no mood for raya? *pout* and and guess wad. i need to go for surgery lah kan. some thingy just keep growing on my gum and it's getting bigger each day like it's already big ah now. and everybody feels disgusted. i sad. hmmmm....

2009-09-17T23:34:00.002+08:00

i want to make it short and clear. whatever ive said previously doesnt mean i've kept my feelings and still holding on to that six years ago story. it's gone and i've said that earlier cause i don't want anyone to be like me. and to you.eveything i do, everything i gave was sincerly from me and how i loved you and just you but no body else. and since the day that you became the part of me, nothing else matter but just you. and how i choose to grow old with you and i want no body else. i hate it when you trying to distance away from me. i hate how we are now. i wanna know where did we go wrong. when you're here my life seems perfect not just blessed lah. heh. but i guess, you don't even care. you don't care about me at all do you? i'm just hoping to see your face this saturday. even when you're too busy with your life, at least have some pity on me. u don know how much i missed you. i hope i can atleast be happy even for just a moment, by seeing your smile and to lepas kan rindu seeeeehhhh. :(

2009-09-15T00:59:00.002+08:00

my appetiate been kinda sucks these days. i can only eat small portion and that's it. i've got no mood . i been not being myself lately. keeping to myself like one anti social idiot lidat. the most is laughing. i miss laughing seriously. even while doing the cookies with my lovely siblings and mom, i didnt really join the conversations they had. my mind are just running wild and it's aching. every night i cried myself to sleep. i cry so easily these days cause i think my life is just so sucks and i just feel like a fool and being such a stupid sensitive idiot. yesterday i was weeping while in the room myself and i didnt realize that my dad is watching me from outside room. when i see him watching me, i was so shock ah and i was like what? da paiseh kan. and he walked away and i pretend singing out loud la nak tutup malu. heh.

and when u have too many space too many time to yourself what u do is just having your mind running wild . you know years has passed me by and i'm still struggling with my own life. you know, i'm a women now and i don't know what is going to happen next to my life. i have become independent cause after you my life have been like a roller coaster. no more being that pampered girl you know. no more depending on someone anymore. i have learned to learned mistakes ive made tro out these years and i think im miss the years with you. knowing how greedy ive become.wanting my freedom and enjoying as much as i can.tsk. not having to know whats happenig to my surrounding. neglecting your feelings and just think about myself. i could say that was the biggest mistake ever. and how it totally change mylife after you're no more exist here.
i regret for not remembering who i am cause i was too happy and having my blistful life and my life was blessed because of you.
six years and now i am still struggling finding the right way. and you, having the one that you gonna grow with till you get old. i know that's best for you and how happy it is to see you happily leading your life. :)

it's not wanting what you want. But wanting what you got.

so you people, please please treasure the one around you and never neglect em cause you never know how they are feelings and how they will react to you. cause in life when you have everything.everything that you are having now and how blessed ur life is now. happy with all the things that you have till you forget and neglect the important ones or maybe being greedy and for wanting the both world, you will never know that in just a splits second anything can happen. and how it can changed ur life.

same goes to me. scary eh.

2009-09-13T23:00:00.000+08:00

in just a split seconds it change my whole life. tsk.

2009-09-10T23:42:00.001+08:00

not that i don't. but you have prove me wrong. heh.
i got my own pride. and i lose it to you.
my heart not just sank.
it probably bursting .
dissapointed and i think im more than just sad.
too sad that i can't afford to cry but it's just pain. it feels pain.
too painfull!!!!!! :(

here i go again. i feel so shaky now.
today, it doesn't get any better.
sabar k raizah.

2009-09-10T03:13:00.000+08:00

Just like a star across my sky
Just like an angel of the page
You have appeared to my life
Feel like I'll never be the same
Just like a song in my heart
Just like oil on my hands
honored to love you

Still I wonder why it is
I don't argue like this
With anyone but you
You do it all the time
Blowing out my mind

You've got this look I can't describe
You make me feel I'm alive
When everything else is a fake
Without a doubt you're by my side
Heaven has been way too long
Can't find the words to write this song
Oh love

I have come to understand the way it is
Its not a secret anymore
Cos we've been through that before
From tonight I know that you're the only one
I've been confused and in the dark
Now I understand

i dun understand what's really going on. if life would stick with me this way, i couldn't ask for more but to be thankful cause i know some of them out there are going tro harder times. even how u left me hanging with thousands of questions. i don't mind standing here alone dragging my heart everywhre i go. i wish i could listen to your heart and understand you. and if only i could. cause you're just full of mystery and i wouldn't let either one of us getting hurt by not getting what we want. i don't know where we go wrong. i don't know what u really want in your life. i don't understand how u want it to be. i been sighing for thousands of time today and it's not like i'm used to this or already immune to everything that happened. i would say that being complicated sucks when ure communication means nothing with what your heart feels. i don't fall easily i don't changed my mind easily. but today, god is by myside and i will promise myself to never cry cause i know i keep repeating the same mistakes and never get sick or tired to learn a lesson. but i want to thank you for being here with me even for the shortest period. for being here and making me smile. ure my pillar of strength that keeps me going on everyday of mylife. the drug the painkiller that i need everyday. i miss that cheerful voice i miss how i smile everytime i see ur name pop out from my phone that got me excited. this might be to late but i been wanting to say this to you, all these while. and how you have never felt it or nvr wanting to hear it from me, i gotta say that. i love you.

raizah. tmr will be better okay.

2009-09-07T00:58:00.002+08:00

sometimes thinking too much is not good. but sometimes i think it's okay to have your brain to aches like hell. well i am now. sometimes i feels weird. sometimes i feel real good. today i feel something that is just not right. something funny and sad and it just got me confused.
i need some answer. cause im curious like that. when i got courage to ask i keep telling myself not to. cause im scared. scared that everything will be shattered and that it won't be this great anymore. so i pray to god that he could give me alil bit more patience . to wait for the question to be answered to me. :) i hope it won't be a disappointing one.

2009-09-05T00:47:00.002+08:00

whoooooa. again i neglect this blog of mine ehk. life has been great so far. well even work sucks dragging myself to work everyday and how i wish i can choose to work or not to work. but i can't. too bad lah.
August has passed me by pretty fast and Allamdudlilah things goes well and i couldn't ask anything more.

you know with your presence, life is full of happiness.
having to know that you're here with me, can't get any better than this. thank you awak. thanks for being the most cutest man in my life.

2009-08-31T01:41:00.002+08:00

staying strong is the hardest thing i can be now. you know i was trembling and feeling so numb. my heartbeats, beats like only god knows. nervous like shit. the feelings totally sucks.

dear diary. if i could shout out loud now. i would shout. why must it be me?
and if only i can ask god and that he could answer me now. best kan?
ah. besok 31st. whatever it is. i must be positive and don't give a fcuk. kay?

dah dah. lets go sleep.

2009-08-28T00:51:00.002+08:00

when ure upset about something that hurts you something that you don't wanna think about. something that needs you time before saying anything about it. and when someone being cold towards you. for not wanting to tell the truth? it's not about not wanting to tell the truth. but to feel ready without feeling sulky. feeling ready and for accepting the fact with what is happening around. and being strong without even sheeding a tears.

God Bless Me.

2009-08-25T14:44:00.002+08:00

dear diary, what should i do with this heartache of mine? i been dragging my heart around. thinking of the positive didn't work it out. can't help it but thinking of negative all these time. but feeling so much better after praying which i haven't been practising it for such a long time. i don't know what i should do. i'm scared. scared of being used. scared of losing the one i loved. scared of being one shiok sendiri woman. scared to be the one at the losing end. why have no one ever make me feel this way like he does? he's my perfection. my beautiful nightmares. we're not exactly friends i guess. but i'm very scared of the word complicated . haunting me with all the things thats gonna happen just got me being paranoid. with his presence everyday, just got me going great. you're wonderful aren't you?but it's sad when it left me alone here thinking all the possibilities and where do we stand and where do we go from here? tak rugi kan sabar? kalau kau seorang yang die perlu dalam hidop dier insyallah macam mane kau tak sepurna dier tetap pilih kau jadi teman hidop. well whatever mother says make me feel that i should remember who i am and never expect when you're giving. sedar sape diri kau tu yer raizah..........

ouh ya. the check up was not good. YET.
august please pass me by as fast as you can.
aku da tak boleh sabar. tak boleeeeeeeehhhh. :(

2009-08-25T00:58:00.003+08:00

eversince fasting started, sales has been very bad. from outside shop, you can see the gurls dancing to the music chatting around finding work to do or even a gal standing by the door helplessly. ahah. it's frustrating when the boss keep on asking what happened to our sales and so on... so what can we do when we can even count every customers that came in? when i been standing at the front of the shop i observe that customer seems to hesitate to come in when they look around. and so i guess it must be the VM. probably it look to formal and un-affordable. gosh they really have to do something with the VM. this is not paragon. this is tampines one . Uk punyeee org gong gong ah.
and few drama mama been rolling around these days. tsk. susah ehk. kalau rajin tak boleh. kalau jadi malas pon tak boleh. kalau da bodoh bengap. buat hal bodoh benggap. jangan nak eksyen pandai ikot buku padehal otak sonsang. wah. i don't understand how these people get to be the incharge.
*rolleyes* just because someone who is lower rank than you can't be more clever or hardworking is zit? can't be more attractive can't be more creative is zit huh? tak kan kau nak aku step bodoh tak tau apeape hal kan. grrrrrr.
i hope evrything will go fine ehk. insyallah. :)

and today the guy who been freaking me out has gone too much already now. like today... i receive alot of scary messages and non stop missed calls. he's worst than a pervert or even a stalker. it's scary already now. AZARD. the crazy guy. tak betol and menakotkan. thank god i didn't went tro what emma went tro. ahahaha.

i hope he stop it after i threatened him that i'll go to the police if he won't stop his bullshitting.

till then. nite.

2009-08-22T01:12:00.002+08:00

at this point of time kan i just feel like a loser ah.
somehow i've been wondering about to some thoughts that i think i should stop thinking about.
i don't know why ah but i think in this whole 22 years i been living in kan...i been a loser.
do you agree with me?

anyhoosy. life been great. macam mane tak great. by his presence, everything seems well on me. i just hope that things will be good . and tommoror will be better. probably i should lower down my jealousy level ehk. stop it siak. because of that i spoil everything today. haiz. im totally a loser.

so yea. today i went karaoke with saye punye bacin. just the both of us but it was still kecoh and best ah kan. of cus i sing anyhow i like ah cannot challenge him hor. Mr Bombastic ah kire kan. i wanted to upload a video of sayee punye bacin nyayi ah but he shy lah so cannot. hehe. then we had dinner at simpang and i get to eat steak. wooho. thanks bacin for today.

k lah. i kinda feel heartache now. abit only ah.
so tak nak bobal panjang2 k.
good night people.

2009-08-16T23:14:00.002+08:00

watched Orphan at Bugis iluma filmgarade.
dinner at The Fish Manhattan.
holding hands.laughing.smilling.blushing.
a walk to remember.
and then to the Singapore Flyer.
and last to the Mustafa Centre.

i shall say this is the best saturday i've had this year?
a so-kold-date with my one and only bacin?
SUPERB!!!

best giler. i enjoyed each and every seconds of it. we took loads of pretty pictures.but guess what? i screwed everything. aku nak nangis airmata darah boleh tak? i accidently format my camera and it's all GONE. yes it's GONE. bodoh nak mati siak. ah. but i was lucky that at least we have one pictures left from the Singapore Flyer. naseb ehk. but it's ok i guess i shall keep those sweet moments in my heart.

ok. i can't membebel too much my eyes sakitlah. nak tembel seh agaknye. i already saw a bum and the end of my eyes seh.

slamat malam awak.

2009-08-15T00:47:00.003+08:00

i know i gotta clean out my emotional closet and say what i got to say to that certain someone. holding on to that feelings is not wise. it cause my imagination to run wild and fear to overtake me.
they could convince me that something is going on or something that could be happening isn't really true.

but do you think i'm brave enough ?

2009-08-13T01:10:00.000+08:00

mom have said something that have been stuck in my brain ever since she said it to me.

we were talking about something something and she said,

mother: "mane nak dapat lelaki mcm gitu duduk tgk tv dgn mak gurau2 sumer. nak buat mcmane, dier da tak nak dengan kau..."

that line has been playing around repeating every now and then.
somehow i realize something. happinnees is just a moment.
i'm nothing to you i guess. just nothing.

wanting you for wanting em for who they are and not wanting you, but wanting someone else.
sad isn't it?

2009-08-13T00:06:00.000+08:00

i am so angry with myself. i think i'm crazy. cause today i ate alot okay. it's irritating. i didn't know that cracker mary bought from dunnoe where can be so addictive plus the girls, they keep on buying the sweets the donuts and everything that is unhealthy!!! the non stop tea-peng ice... wah marvellous i tell you the sweetness the bitterness was superb. hahahha. hey i can't go on anymore like this aite. i'm so fat and i don't wanna grow any fatter sials.

today the girls and i is super rajin. walaupon kite penat, we still do a very good housekeeping. nak tunngu due jahanam tu buat tunggu sampai aku kahwin ah sials pemalas peh pundek. when they're off, there is always things they left behind for me to do and what's more there's many membership card left for me to settle and i got so mad when i found a memo send on the 5th of august to send back all those Benefit trial beauty pack. and it hasn't been done yet. so sape lagi si babu ni jugak kene buat kan. and i was not happy to receive a complain saying that my mingming has been staying inside the cashier and doing nothing!!!!!! kpala buto eh. suspect kuat si paria punds ah tapi si cins maks laks pun nak cover kan dier ehk. heh. kau rajin buat keje ke kau bagos ke org da mata merah pon tetap org akan buat hidop kau merana. kau tak bagos ke memalas ke kau tetap kene bergitu jugakkkk. ni ah bangse punds dengs cins habes ah kan. sorry for the very minahees speaking here but somehow im just angry with myself for eating alot today for not able to fight for my mingming's right. it's okay baby. you know whatever happen i will always be right beside you.

and after so long i been complaining here and there that i got no camera so no visuals shitsss post up. but guess what. i bought one now. and it's MINE. yes. a ten megapixel. waterproof Blue Olympus dg camera.WOOHOOO. NAMPAK NAMPAKKKK! i thought of giving it a name. maybe VIOLET? i know it's blue but i'd love to name it violet. boleh kan...hmph?

okay i swear this will be the last to post. the double celebration was great. they bring along their bf at just sheesha session so yae nothing much to get jealous about. but still seeing em holding hands kinda sucks. i also want to hold hand like dat. aahahah.the pictures you people go check out my FB okay.

2009-08-08T01:16:00.002+08:00

it's friday and guess what? i saw alot of couples okay. be it the cute ones the irritating ones the fugly ones. i see them like everywhere sia. till i get tired of looking at em ok i nearly jelings at every one of them i bumped into. ahah. yea yeaaaa they do nothing but i don't know why i'm kinda jealous ah sials. likeeee haiz. kenape ehk dekni ble dapat matahir aku tak boleh ehk. ahha. while i was walking with ming ming i point to one couple holding hands... "ming ming.. i want like that can..." while pouting. and she says "come lets hold hand like em". ahahaha. cute ehk ming ming aku.

and it's e 8th tomorrow and i should be excited actually but i don't know whyyyy i am not now anymore. the gurls are bringing their bf and i bring who? see tmr imma get jealous again. aahhhhh. yes yes i am soo jealous of my bitches okay. so jealous when they told me how busy they are with their bf. and which another of my gf is getting engaged this november. aakkkakk terperanjat lah kan yang penting. sometimes ah i wonder how come ah they lead their life so happily ever after. obviously lah im happy for em. i want like that also sia. can annnot.

kinda sensitive abit ehk today. nak jealous pon tak tentu pasal ehk aku. harap maklomlah akak ni kan lonely woman.paham paham je lah kan kalau kite post gini macam. andddd i think ahh ehk i thinkkk ahh im kinda sick and tired of being independent. tgk ah bingit tak tentu pasal. sensitive tak tentu pasal. now rase sad puak tak tentu pasal.

phewwwww. i hope tmr will be a good one for mee please. stop it with the jealous ah raizah. stop it.

2009-08-06T00:20:00.002+08:00

eh hi. i have neglect this diary of mine for such a long time isn't it? cause what else if it's not about work? yes aku dah mengalah ehk keje full since the last week . and because of work i gotta postponed those check ups again. kalau badan aku boleh bobal, da mintak ampun agaknye. umur baru je dua puluh dua bdn asek sek sakit. sometimes i'm so angry of myself you know. why can't i be strict enough and say no whenever i'm told to work full? esh. mcm no life lidat kan. i don't care next month imma request for alot of days off and leave and i need to claim my hours. bloody hell.

i need a good massage. my body is aching like everywhere!!!!
i feel so stresssssss up. and it feels like i should chopped my hair!!
i want anti-contact lens eyes pleaseeeee. huahuahuahuahua.
i want to be free from the doctors cannnnn lahhhhhhh. hoooooo i seriously can't wait for august to end and that's when i gonna stop thinking about all the negatives. if ajeeee sumer okay.

but!!!!! i am so happy lah today. so fucking happy. gembira sangat sangat tak terkate kate ehk.
kenape ehk??? kenape aku happy ehk?? ahhhhhhh cause bacs nars dats keds aks ah sis. aks gems naks mams ehk. aks pens pens kejs pons nams muks bacs aks so happs sehhhhhh.

k lah go figure put yourself. tak paham pi paham kan ehk.
akak nak tito. akak nak mimpi indah ehk.
assalamualaikommmmmmmm.

2009-07-27T01:11:00.000+08:00

I get the best feeling in the world when you say hi or even smile at me because I know, even if its just for a second, that I've crossed your mind.
i missed you.

2009-07-26T00:03:00.000+08:00

eh people! im back lah sey. yes for after nearly a week k im sick. having high fever suck corneck ehk.esh. for after so long lah not getting sick. and guess wad? this will be my sixth days of not sedoting ciggs ehk.yes taniah raizah kamu harus bertahan supaya puasa nanti boleh maintain ehk. lagi pon u people nak tahu ape? madagascar jumpe ciggs pat my bag ehk. i just came back from home and feeling kinda shagged so i sat for awhile watching tv with the sisters and he was at the kitchen with mother. my phone rang so as i was digging for it inside my bag.....

MADAGASCAR:ey kau isap rokok ehk!!!!!
anak soleha: (took a moment to realize that he was talking to me)
ahhh??tak ahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!
MADAGASCAR: kau jgn tipu aku ehk! tu ape! kau kasi aku tu kotak rokok! kau kasi aku!!
anak soleha:eh tak ah ni kwn punye lah dier tumpang jeeeee. (passing him that box with full of heart pain)

MADAGASCAR: abeh kalau dier tumpang drug kau tolong? ni aku tak nampak ehk. kalau aku nampak kau isap rokok!! depan HAYALAK ramai ehk aku sepak muke kau!!!!

and bla bla bla my mom was crying as normal. yahlah i paham lah i disappointed her i know how she feels. hmph! and so i went straight to my room feeling so malu lah not takot tau.....hahahaahahaah.
i think it's time to stop this crap that i been having it as my bad habit ah. and it doesnt do any good lagi.
so insyallah i'll try to stop ehk. and yey! da nak hari raye sey. tak sbr.
anyways i apis wedding pictures dahhhh just that there something wrong with the dunnoe what that im not able to visual shits here. ehhe. next time perhaps.k lah i need my sleeping beauty.

mimpi indah semua.

semalam aku rindu giler kat kau.
den nari kau tegor aku. best kan.
are you feeling me?? *pout*

2009-07-16T15:29:00.002+08:00

Selamat pengantin baru kepade apis and arfa yer. mcm biase ah aku kental takde camera kene tunggu lagi ah org nak passing passing kan.i gotta say it's very tiring this time cause we helped alot this time round. no tangkap jambz or just sitting around and doing nothing but to see guys ehk. all that no more. akak jadi makcik kaypoh pat dapor and jage dessert bersame yang lain2 ehk. cute kan kite. yang penting after every thing was over kite ramai2 kopek durian ehk dgn baju kebaya tu jugak. mcm feeling2 kampung style ah tu konon. but hey it was so fun and kecoh. keluarga SERI sape tak kenal.annnnd apis kawin aku yang frust. mcm biase jugak makciks makciks tanye tanye kan bile aku peh turn. boypen takde nak kawin ape. yang penting dorang mati mati nak match make aku ehk. tak ke irritating tu? irritating nak mamps ehk. sumpah aku tak desperate ehk nak kahwin. nak ade boypen je tak ble accept the fact yang aku attached. ni nak pk pasal ni sume. adddooooiiiiiiiiii. but if it comes why not kan. sometimes i do wanna feel loved by someone. to get pampered by someone okayyyy. i do want to have someone by myside each and everyday of my life. to grow old together and still loving each other stronger each day. isn't it great? i miss those times being in love and doesn't care anything as if the world is all mine. wooohoooo. best kan. yang penting aku tak pernah dapat bunge ehk. ahhhh aku seorang perempuan yang tak pernah dapat bunge ehk. kalau nampak pompuan lain dapat nanti "eleh bunge biase je " "chey dapat bunge seh...alah bunge jeeee nanti busuk jugak" tapi dalam hati... eehhh best nyer kalau lah aku yang dapat......HAHAHAHAHA. kental ehk aku. okay bye wa yaw chee fan. jemput ah.

2009-07-16T13:34:00.002+08:00

i dreamt of something that is so beautiful but come to think of it. it's scary.how can i dreamt of you again? why? why? today i'm stuck at home. doing wad? babysitting lah ape lagi. supposely going swimming with gf but mother and father down with high fever boleh due due eh high fever and poor me gotta do the cooking the babysitting and this baby is just eight months old but he's too active sia. omg he can run about when he's inside the walker. yelah cute memang cute tapi active nak mampos penat siot. and guess wad it's my first freaking time ehk siang ikan. raizah siang ikan ah sey. raizah masak ah sey. power kepeeee. i told my mom if like this how housewife life is i think two or maybe one kid is enough for me and i think i wanna still be working after getting married. no no to housewife ehk. stop it siak. but yea kite merancang TUHAN yang menentukan. tui pu tui? and i feel so stressed and fucked up now. don't asked me why. k see ya later alligator.

2009-07-14T02:10:00.002+08:00

And today i don't know why i just have this urge blogging about you. after so long i still think and pondering why. why i was told to go. when i know that i did nothing wrong. no reasons was told when i demand for it. when all you could say was NOTHING, DUNNO and the best part was I'M NOT IN A GOOD STATE. walllah!! after all the steps we walked i never thought that you could do me this way. i know i'm not the best. but all i want is the best for you and giving you the best in me. the bestest in whatever i could give. all i want is to give you happiness, seeing you smile, hearing your laughters. even how tired how bad my day was, when i see those smiles hearing your voices and those laughters, it's like a magic like a painkiller every problems or sadness i have just go away. it sucks when i woke up each day knowing that you are no more in my life. i can't see those face those sweet eyes of yours and your gigi taring.
each day i put a smile. laugh like there's no one around me. act like i'm a strong and independent. but who knows that behind those smile there's this heart that got crushed and been hurts? how much i missed you like fuck. no body knows this and how syerah always asked me how strong i am and how can i move on with life easily... and all i could say was life goes on and i gotta learn to be strong. i'm still asking why. why do you have to do this me? what have i done wrong. where do i go wrong. and after all that happened what do you treat me as? i'm not easy and you it well and how much i trusted you. *sigh* am still dissapointed and sad. i am very sad. i feel like crying now when all the words you said to me was still stuck in my brain it feels just like yesterday you said all the words. now even how much i don't want anyone like this in mylife i don't know why my feelings are so confused and all mixed up. like they say love is blind.
this is the whole reason why i'm so scared of falling in love all over again. and how hard it is to love someone for who he is and to accept that person the whole of himself. is this worth my love? i donnoooooo. i hope my luck wouldn't be this bad in future. seems like it's never enough whenever i talked about you. no matter how he doesnt know how my feelings are i still hope for some day i could know about what's the reason. i hope he's somewhere out there doing great with life even i don't know what is happening. *sigh* im sorrry for this long merepek post but i guess this is just how i could say it out.

good nite people.

2009-07-09T01:46:00.002+08:00

eh kawan say hi to my latest fav drug. my new boyfriend. teeheee.

hello Mohd Aimi!!
he is the cutest being moving around and making alot of noise in my house and he is the reason i can't wait to reach home.officially he is the one i missed so muchiemuchie!!!! no matter how bad my day is, looking at his smile makes me feel so happy already. i want a baby to myself please...........

2009-07-08T00:49:00.003+08:00

i had a great time today with my baby sab at sentosa even it was raining at some point of time. we have to wait for the rain to stop before we actually took the luge and sky train. oh meh gawd! it was super fun ah but it was so effing scary lah kan. for after so long i been wanting to go there and here i am. we were like a tourist being approached by the guys asking if we were not local and if we are indo gurls. so funny how they approached when i started to burst out laughing cause from one another people keep on asking us. philiphine also kena. walau. and so i have to wait till that mak nenek gets to pass me all the pictures cause i tell you it sucks when you have outings and u got no cameras in your hand. aku desperate nak camera can anot? i still havent got any pictures from kak ani seh sua lame tau. and when your camera phone sucks when the batt died on me. LG Phone sucks sia. i swear. and thanks again an for today for the another super random lau pa sat meet up. i lioke.

k lah people i need my beauty sleep.
will soon upload my pictures soon maybe if i'm not lazy, that is.
mimpi indah. :)

2009-07-07T00:44:00.003+08:00

iiiiii love it when it comes to random meeting. the other day my ex classmates nizam and fadli came over to my shop to invite me to the class reunion this coming week but too bad my cousins are getting married okay. haiz but i really look forward for the another meet up that they gonna plan soon.

today i had a butterfly in my stomach. feeling excited and so nervous. even it was so random, i had a great time with you even for the shortest time. thanks for today an. :D an im still feeling it till now. whhhoosssh. shiokness.

sentosa tmr! yey!

2009-07-03T00:08:00.002+08:00

it has been couple of weeks and i don't know why you still dare enough to come to my dreams. and this has been three straight days i dreamt of you. it's just a dream but i hate it if it's gonna happen. when it always does. like seriously i need a life. i need to step forward and not turning back again. not anymore this time round.

and i don't want him anymore.
not anymore.
cause i realize that i deserve somebody that could treat me right.

2009-07-02T20:08:00.002+08:00

i think that madagascar really has a problem and i think he's driving everyone nuts or shall i say he's good at it? i hate to hate people you know what else when you started to hate your own blood? esssh. i hate this feeling. i don't know how the fcuk my mom can stand his bullshit all the time. he got a problem everypart of his brain. seriously. for the rest of my 22 years of living with him. i've always have this feelings of hating him. how ? i don't know what he want. i don't know what his motive in doing all this. please lah the more you try to be the konkong dad the one that don't allow us to do this and that go here and there . don't blame me for being rebbellious okay. i can be that but thanks to the women who been there for me eversince forever. when i think of her i told myself that i should stop. aku kesian okay dengan mak aku. i love her forever lah. i feel like crying now okay cause why cause i love her too much. okay ah i kental so what.bye.

2009-07-02T15:29:00.005+08:00

The girlie affair yesterday was awesome moseome ah seh. but too bad no pictures to upload cause both qid and i forget to bring our camera which both of us already reminded each other the day before. ahahaha. so gomblok. i was so excited when dj kzee slot in the song i bust your window by jazmine sullivan in his mixes when i reminded him. lol. so excited that i told everyone about it. and so we dance all night till nad got to take off her heels ahaha yea my foot is aching still but not that bad tho. enjoyed it minus the sickos who acting like they know us and not giving anyone to come near. eeee irritating. maybe we should do this more i want more but of course more ideas to get. *evillaugh* qid lets crack our brains again can? two more days to see my bitches......i can't wait. jgn tak jadi i slap slap ur face.

2009-06-30T22:57:00.003+08:00

my body is aching all over and i seriously need a very good massage. today i went to the pharmacy and borong vitamin there. seriously i think berocca do help me . i mean i walked alot and alot of climbing too. we need a real man power as in a man in our shop to do those heavy duty. sometimes i feel like a man already with doing the climbing and carrying heavy cartoons here and there. even how small my sup is she managed to bring those big heavy cartoons alone without any help. suprisingly ah kan i don't know where she got that energy from. but seeing her locker with alot of diffrent bottles which i believe a suppliment or vitamins or whatever it is ah. esh. semangat. i think i cant be bothered with those pills. its really sick enough taking those pills from the doctor. burghh. today i kinda miss my gay boy. my manje gay boy. but someone just got to annoyed me with upteens of missed calls. *rolleyes* you see, i can't accept anyone who can't take me as i am and by saying my past sucks.hellllloooo! they're not sucks they're just bitter sweet story from my past. and u just know em abit lah seh. what if i tell you more? i think u be crazy like a mad dog. i'm not your's and i hate to be assume here and there . yes i love your insults i know it's crazy. but i hate the way you assume me anyhow u lioke. you say you want me. you say u want to be with me. but with the way you are i think you better off with someone that's wiser. that got the same standard as you. c'mon i am just a 22 year old woman who leads a simple life and am just a sales assistant. i don't deserve someone li ke you. like seriously. bluek. i don't know lah but i think it's too early and probably i can't accept any relationship this soon. but who knows. k i need to pack up my stuff . my flight will be in few hours time. like sheesh. this is so fast. k taking care ehk people. see you when i see you. muek2!

2009-06-28T23:00:00.003+08:00

*burp* ehem. i just came back from dinner at bedok corner with bikta's family and mine and i had white carrot cake mee kuah mama mee goreng tahu goreng and roti john which i share with my sis. yum yum im so full so senak i need to onk but how how? yang penting akak penat giler lah kan nari. penat giler babz nak mamz. i still have few more days okay till i get to sleep with my bantal bucuk a little bit more. yes i got bantal bucuk u know. hehe.
and so akak today managed to clear up the kadang babi today with my super power aisyah help. she do a good store manager i must say!! weeewiiit! i already feel so restless i need a good massage. ehehe. i fucking cant wait lah this july . gaji coming soon. party like a monster coming soon. meet up with the bitches coming soon. apis's wedding is just 2 weeks away!!!! and more more new arrivals are coming in already and those i lioke lioke very much. woohooo. so yes i hope every evil plans will go smoothly like a smoothie. bhwahahahha. besok aku kene keje full so irritating. i hate the words FULL. esh!

2009-06-27T00:23:00.007+08:00

bodoh kan i keep on changing my blog here and there. but i think livejournal kinda make me miserable tho. i very mentel i know. how? so now people link me back here ehk? everyday there's always shits happening around. from this to that from that to this. work. blargh. irritating. we are always short of staff. and today nat and me are the wonder girl. woohoo.cause why. cause a staff of mine has been quarintine for a week after contacted with a positive H1N1 person. see lah what a luck.blalalala. just the both of us and we managed to handle the shop with care.ehem. i am very tired. but guess wad that sillyhead is out from camp and he refuse to talk. bloody tut. gue kagen same loh paham tak? jangan irritating bodoh aku sepak sepak gigi kau. tell me lah what's wrong with my bloody past. it's just my bloody past with bloody people came by to stay and leave for my peace. ahah. *ehem* ade perkare hendak di perbual kan yer. akak di nominate sebagai silver award lah kan nanti. excellence service lah kate kan. best ehk? tak lame lagi gold. insyallah. so pretty people mimpi indah yer. sesiape yang visit akak sila lah tagged. erm.

yea my life sucks. work. home. work. home. so how?

today will be the day i end my fcuked up world yea.

*coming up next*
party like a monstarssss! nyiaahahahah.